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Fight Day

Just the other day the husband and I had a huge fight. Ironically it was right after I posted my last update, where I reminded myself of my love for him and how I should not ever hurt him.

He was offended that I seemed to look down on his family and find them low class, or uncultured. Apparently I had said those exact words some time back and he did not take offense then, instead choosing to keep silent. I guess he finally snapped when we brought up the topic of the upcoming weekends again, and when I openly displayed my reluctance to return to the in-laws' place. I tried to explain to him that I did not mean that, and that if I did say it explicitly, it might have come out the wrong way. But it was futile because he insisted that I did mean what I say, that in summary I looked down on his family for being low class. It affected me a lot because it implied that I did not respect his parents, which was not true. Not ever. I believe I'd also mentioned in this blog numerous times about how I liked his parents, how I respect them, but how I just did not agree with certain actions of his family members, namely his brothers. I admitted that, too. But I guess it all came out the wrong way, plus he was already agitated over the previous incident to begin with, so we ended up screaming our heads off at each other, with him insisting that I had mentioned outright to him that I look down on his family, that his family was low class, and uncultured.

The quarrel was a huge one, where we both stung each other with our words. I felt guilty that baby Dino was brought into the picture even though I had always reminded myself time and again to keep him out of our squabbles. It was a tearful evening where I could barely cope with my emotions and couldn't help but entertain all sorts of silly thoughts. Thankfully, the husband calmed down eventually and the quarrel ended before we went to bed.

The memories of that evening are still haunting me till now. I don't know if I am exceptionally emotional or sensitive due to pregnancy hormones, or because this is one of the biggest fights we've had ever since we got married, or simply because I am disappointed with myself for doubting our marriage during the quarrel. The following day I asked him if he loved me any less during or after our fight(s) and he confidently replied no. I think that should've reassured me, but it didn't. Instead, I found myself wondering if I had not called him to ask him to return home, would he have come back? Or would he have just let the marriage go when I mentioned it out of anger? I have given and committed too much into this relationship to just let it go like this. I also promised baby Dino that I would give him a happy, complete family, yet at such difficult times it has proved to be a real challenge.

I suppose I have been way too overbearing. I reflected on my actions after the fight that evening and realized how pitiful the husband has been, being caught in the middle. I know how much he loves his family, and I know how much he loves me too. Yet he now has to bear with me, give in to me, compromise with me, simply because I feel as if I can no longer get along with his family. I have no idea how things transformed to be this way. We used to be fine. Before I got pregnant, I never minded being at his place. I'd always found it to be rowdy yet lively, and I'd always felt well taken care of when with his family. Yet after getting pregnant, I found that I became extremely anal over the smallest matters. Perhaps it is that I only truly feel comfortable in my own home, and this is especially more so when I am pregnant. Or perhaps it is the build up of stress caused by many of life's problems, leading me to want to be more frugal; and thus it annoys me when the husband chooses to splurge on anything other than things pertaining to our new little family. I honestly do not know. But what I do know is that whatever the cause of these problems, I have to actively make an effort to change things. He has sacrificed so much for me, and in return I have to do the same too, right? Love is about giving and taking and I have to give some as well. I have to put up with whatever I may not like, and be patient in the wait for our own flat, our own home, because I don't want to see the husband in two minds about who he should choose to please. It pains me, and even more so when we quarrel over this.

I really, really hope I can put a stop to the negativity inside of me and to start to be more empathetic towards the husband. I know I cannot control how others behave, but similarly I cannot control how I feel too. I have tried so many times to suppress the feelings, to ignore the bad habits of others which I cannot tolerate, but deep down I just feel like a ticking time bomb, and sometimes it gets so bad that I feel like giving up completely. Yet at the same time I cannot afford to let this marriage fail because there is so much love between the both of us, and now the three of us, that would be put to waste if I just let it all go. Sigh... It's gonna be an uphill battle for sure; gonna be needing all the strength (and luck) in the world. Keeping my fingers crossed that the application would go through smoothly and that we'd be able to move out to be on our own soon so that we'd have one less problem on our minds.

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