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18 Weeks Pregnant: Emotional Struggles

It's been a tough journey thus far. You'd think that after settling the wedding, we'd have one load off our shoulders, but sadly that is not the case. Problems seem to surface one after another, and I'm starting to feel that maybe I am not cut out to be a wife, or a mother. Maybe I would have been better off spending the rest of my life gallivanting, engaging in cheap thrills, up till the day I pass on. I am tired, way too tired, and I'm struggling so hard to find that ounce of strength within me to hold out till the end.

The biggest problem we're facing right now is our plans after the birth of baby Dino. We had initially agreed on letting my MIL look after the baby, which was the reason why we wanted to move to somewhere near them, but then now that comes with an extra price tag since we are not able to purchase our own flat at the moment. Should we want our MIL to help take care of the baby, we'll have to move in with them. It is the only solution. My mother has her commitments and cannot devote her time to looking after the baby every weekday. It is not feasible to send the baby to MIL's place in the morning and pick the baby up to return to my place at the end of the day because my MIL will not be pleased with that arrangement. Infant care is no longer an option for reasons unknown -- the husband would rather me resign from my job to look after the baby than send him to infant care.

I am insistent on not moving in with my in-laws. Is it selfish of me to want the best for my baby? I had thought otherwise initially, but maybe it is selfish of me, after all. I expect minimally that my baby can live in comfort, that washing him up should not be made more difficult than it already is, that he is able to sleep peacefully through the night, that the people living with him (if we cannot live on our own) should be considerate towards him. Is that too much of me?

Just last weekend, we returned to my in-laws lightheartedly and thankful for the weekend after a long week at work. But the moment I stepped into the toilet, a wave of nausea overcame me. Call me oversensitive, call me pampered, but I'd always thought it was innate human behaviour to clean up after yourself, especially in your own home. Why would you treat your home like a public area, or more specifically, a public toilet? I ranted to the husband, who scurried to the toilet to clean it up quickly. I felt embarrassed, and it broke my heart to see my husband have to do this. He made it a point then, to enter the toilet before me everytime just to clean up after whoever left the toilet in a mess, just so I would not feel like puking each time I needed to use the toilet. My husband is a great man, but it pains me so to see him have to go through this just because he is too considerate to the inconsiderate people in his life. I was filled with anger, and resentment, and this is slowly building up to a point where I no longer want to return to that house.

Don't get me wrong -- I have nothing against my in-laws. They have tried to make me as comfortable as possible, they treat me extremely well and I am more than willing to spend the rest of my life being filial to them as I would to my own parents. But what I do not understand is how they can be so lacklustre in disciplining their children, how they can be so tolerant of their children's behaviour. I will not allow my son to disrespect me in any way, be it in his actions or words. I would want my son to be responsible, to be considerate to the feelings of others, to never take for granted the things or people around him. I understand that I cannot change the mindset of an entire family, neither do I want to implement any changes. I just want to bring up my kid my way, without what I perceive as negative influence. I do not want to overprotect my kid, but as a mother I'd still want the best for my son. I try to have the husband understand all of these but he does not see it the way I do. If it were just the two of us, I wouldn't mind putting up with all these; in fact I had never breathed a word before baby Dino came along. I put up with everything because it was bearable for me, but things are different now. I cannot bring myself to live the same life I did back then, but I am afraid of speaking out because I do not want to upset the husband further.

As I write this, my mind is racing. I believe my husband loves me, and our little family, but does he love me enough to make the right decisions for both baby and I? Are we as important to him as he is to us? Trying hard to keep the tears at bay but it's not working. I do not want to torment myself about the choices I've made, words I've spoken, or the path not taken. I may be a bit slow to realize that this is what adulthood encompasses, and now that I am forced to face up to it straight in the face, I find that perhaps I am just not strong enough.

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